Monday, 4 February 2008

What the hell...

This is going to be a winge, be warned. Feel free not to read on but I need to vent, as they say. If my ramblings help anyone else not feel so alone in their aloneness then some good will have come of them.

I have been trying hard, I really have, to get on with this new life of mine but it is bloody hard. I've never been one for self-pity, always been a coper, but this widowhood thing really has got the better of me.

At the heart of it is fear, I guess. When the Golfer died, everything else stayed the same, it was just that he was no longer here. I still had the house, the same neighbours, friends, the same daily life - the temptation is to keep on doing the same stuff. Fear keeps me in my place. But I also know that the healthy thing would be to find new things to fill my life with. But I am too scared to take any big steps. Such quality of life as I have, I am terrified of losing altogether if I move house, or open my own business. Catch 22. Fear has me paralyzed and I am very angry about it - angry with myself for being so weak and angry with everyone else for letting me stand alone. There are one or two neighbours in particular I am making voodoo dolls of...

Left to myself, I would move away like a shot - away from this unhappy house, away from this mad part of the world - but my son wants me to stay. I am all he has and this is home and any time I mention moving he makes his feelings clear. I am standing still for other people when I want to be flying.

I am going round to cry on my best friend's shoulder tonight - boy, am I glad I have her - so I'm hoping I'll feel a bit better tomorrow. But I know it's just a sticking plaster. I'm not fixing any of the fundamentals and that's what I need to do.

Anyone got any ideas or advice?


Selma said...

Hi, I'm Selma from Sydney, Australia and firstly, I wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your blog.

Secondly, I wanted to say how sorry I am about your present situation. I don't think there are any easy answers with regard to freeing oneself from the icy grip of fear. My husband had a heart attack a few months ago and while he is recovering, I still view the fact that he nearly died as a chance to reassess and perhaps start anew with a less stressful life. But I am getting increasing resistance re. doing anything proactive about this from my husband and my son. I feel trapped and depressed and am wondering ;"Is this it?' The same old, same old isn't as comforting as it once was. To a certain extent, I understand what you are going through. The only advice I can give you (which is advice I should take myself) is do what's best for you. It's your time now. All the best.

Puddock said...

Hi Selma

So sorry to hear about your husband's heart attack and I hope he is well on the road to recovery. Life is hard, isn't it? I think the most difficult thing, and also the most necessary thing, especially after something bad happens, is trying to live without fear. A brush with death is so dizzyingly frightening that it can paralyze you. I know it did with me. But then what's the point of surviving if you waste your life being frightened? That's what I told myself in the bad months after my husband died and life seemed very fragile. So I try my damndest to get the most out of every day and I try really hard to be grateful for each day, and now that winter is almost over and the bulbs are beginning to push their way through the soil, that's a lot easier to believe!

Phoenix Fire Falconry said...

I'm sending you a long distance, time travel hug. I can understand that terrible fear and loneliness. I was there in 2006/2007. I journalled a lot of it in my previous blog, linked from my current. Shortly after my divorce I lost my job of 11 years as well . . . so life kinda made me have to jump. I sold my house that I shared with my husband of 20 years, moved an hour away, went to school, room-mated with a totally cool nurse, and eventually rebuilt my life. In the now (2011) I read you have moved like 2 times (maybe more). I hope your new life is slowly bringing you to a place where you can be happy again. With the peace of your own self, then you will be open to share your life again, if that is what you would like. Until then, love that little JRT, as I know you do!